If Marriage Were a Car…
If Marriage Were a Car…
If marriage was a car, it might go like this. We find one we like together with the person we have fallen in love with. We pick it out together, discuss, and negotiate. Should it have this or that? This feature works for us, but we don’t need that. Is it sporty? Is it practical? Is it for a large family or small? What color!? How will we pay? Once these details are decided, we hop in together and are so happy to be on this journey in our new shiny car. We breathe in the new car smell and enjoy the ride. Maybe we take turns driving. Maybe one person prefers to drive. Either way, all is good, fun, and safe. Off we go!
Before too long, the car gets a ping, a scratch, the right mirror is no longer adjustable with the driver side controls. Both people agree these are minor problems, not too marring and not dangerous; we continue smiling as we watch the world go by together. Things are still good, and fun, and safe. Maybe there are kids in the car for a while. Phew, kids require a lot of attention! Their time in the car has left new smells, stains, and damage. But we can’t fix it all AND take care of the kids! Besides, it won’t be long before they are out of the car, so we concentrate on them while we can and believe that the car will carry us through.
Once the kids are gone, we might assess the damage. Do we need a new car?
One direction - One person makes a suggestion, perhaps it’s a direction or course, perhaps it’s for some repair to the car, perhaps even a new car for them to try, but the couple does not agree on where to go or what needs to be done - so things stay the same. Without repair or variety the ride begins to get mundane. Sometimes, one person is doing all the driving and is weary. Maybe one person feels they are doing all of the maintenance. Maybe one person likes to drink too much, and can’t drive. Perhaps the passenger, is comfortable with the route, and does not see any problems or underlying damage so she remains content, while the driver is constantly trying to pic out fun routes with good scenery. The driver can now feel the car’s problems through his/her feet on the pedals and hands on the wheel. Eventually the car won’t go on its own. It takes both people to keep it alive but only one person is caring. The driver is tired and the car is just too far gone.
Another direction - Maybe some couples take turns, together exploring new roads. Maybe they agree when the car has an underlying problem it needs investment, or that a scratch can lead to rust. So they invest and do new things. Maybe they even negotiate a new car! Our car used to be this, but it’s not working for me anymore, so could we try this? And the partner says, “Yes!” and they hop into the unfamiliar but exciting new car together. These couples stay together because they understand maintenance, are not afraid of change, and experience new places together. They stay together because their partner’s interests and desires matter more than the familiarity of the car. They have renewed their interest and investment.
At the lowest point, in the run down car, one person gets out to push. It’s all she has, this car and the person in it. It’s all she knows. The other person is content and does not notice she is no longer in it with him because they stopped having adventures together miles ago. Both people are in denial about the state of the car. One person is exhausted. The other person is still looking out the window, not noticing that they are alone or that the view has slowed, just happy to be in the familiar car.
Maybe the person pushing the broken car down the road is approached by another car offering her a ride. She waves them on a few times thinking, that’s not my car, this is my car. I can’t leave my car. But eventually, she realizes that her own energy and effort was the only thing moving the car. So when the next car pulls up and offers a ride she stops and stands up and realizes her car is not moving, it’s dead. And he opens the door to his Audi and offers a ride. It appears she has a choice, but does she? Leave her car?! Is she able to power her old car anymore? Does she have anything left? Does she have the strength to deny the ride and continue the drudgery? No, she does not. She is exhausted. She goes up the to window of her car and knocks on it and says, “I can not push this car anymore. I am tired. I need a new car. Do you want to go car shopping with me?” It’s her last effort. And he says, “Nah. It’s fine! I can fix her up. Hop back in.” Maybe she does one more time. And finds herself back out pushing again. Or maybe not. Either way, she will jump in the Audi eventually.
When she does, oh the joy, the relief, the excitement! To be moving again! To be in the passenger seat of a capable driver! To watch the new scenery! Maybe this other person pretty quickly gets on her nerves, he wants to go left instead of right, or she just realized he’s not her person and this isn’t her car. Or maybe, she likes this ride! And he is a fun person to be in the car with and they discover that they love discovering together! Either way, she has to deal with her old car that is stuck on the side of the road with her waiting other half who maybe or may not be aware that she is no longer pushing the car. So she asks to be dropped off there. It’s the hardest thing she has ever done, because she just wants to keep going.
It’s not an easy time to realize your car is dead and you don’t want to buy a new car together. Maybe you go car shopping and can’t agree and realize it’s time to part. Maybe one person wants to fix the old neglected car. After the Audi there is no way she is getting back in there. Alone, together, or with someone new, it’s new or nothing.
Sometimes, we have to buy, drive, and care for a car alone. It’s scary to always be driving alone and responsible for the car by yourself. Now, alone, one has to do it all; drive, plan, fix, pay, clean, navigate, and she is supposed to remember to enjoy the scenery, alone, on the way. I hope if you are here, you find a great ride, and do just that! ; )
