How Am I Fucking Up My Kids?
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…Hopefully Not
Over the past 6 years, in searching for deeper understanding and answers regarding love, relationships, and sexuality, I learned about the importance of a loving, supportive, safe childhood. Even parents with the best intentions and support leave little tick marks on their kids; our children’s experience is shaped by our own limits. And the most fortunate people still have tiny Mom and/or Dad wounds that they need to heal. Some parents are downright ill equipped; they are products of the earlier generations of engrained dysfunction or unfortunate circumstance. And some people are scared for life by their upbringing, attempting to suture their own incisions just to make it through.
Parenting can fall into one’s lap (not making an innuendo!) with little support and planning, or be a carefully considered, sought after, full time pursuit. Either way, it’s the most important, most trying adventure of our lives. Successful parenting depends on so many factors one of which is awareness and that’s where Peter Gurlach came in.
In my search for answers about the effects of our upbringing, I found an interesting video article which proposed a “to-do” list of parenting. A man named Peter Gurlach spelled out his essentials for effective parenting. I agree with his statement that affective parenting is at the root of our social problems. Very easy to state this, of course, not so easy to heal the wounds of generations. Mr. Gurlach listed his essential traits. I would like to list them here and add my own two (cents).
From Peter Gurlach’s video “Are You and Effective Parent?:” You can’t tell for a few decades if you are being effective. Ineffective parenting is the largest problem in our society. Inherited cycle of psychological wounds plus ignorance = social problems. Effective parenting has these traits:
1) Teach children self-respect self love and desire to care for them selves as opposed to self-neglect.
2) Intentionally model and teach awareness – of themselves, their partners, and what is going around them and between them. Awareness leads to empathy. It is a learned skill.
3) Teach effective thinking and communication skills – effectively and patiently – see Lesson 2 in sfhelp.org lists 7 skills we should be using and practicing.
4) Teach healthy 3 level grief – we lose our youth, we lose our health, we lose others, we lose hopes and security, we lose our way. If people do not grieve effectively they can’t succeed in other areas and are susceptible to other illnesses.
5) Teach kids how to manage guilt.
6) Manage fear and anxiety. See Lesson 1 at sfhelp.org
7) Teach how to learn from their mistakes rather than feel ashamed by them.
8) Model ways how to relate to difficult people.
8) Teach the difference between anger and frustration and how to accept these feelings and how to use them to better their lives.
9) Demonstrate and explain how to love learning.
10) Teach kids to respect our Earth and pay attention to the use of dwindling resources.
11) Teach kids and model tolerance of other people’s cultures and beliefs and morals.
My additions to Gurlach’s list include more coverage of the physical; just as we only get one Earth, we only get one body:
12) Teach kids to love and value their bodies. We only get one. Model healthy habits. Learn to love your “faults” and explore all of your abilites.
13) Teach a healthy relationship to sex and sexuality. Sex can be a small or large part in our lives, but it should be considered carefully either way. Our sexuality is special expression of ourselves to be cultivated earnestly and safely.
One more… 14) We are a model. How do we handle our stress? What do we want for our children; are we implementing those goals into our own lives? How do we handle change or hardship? Are we pursing our best selves?
I sure hope I did well with this list! Time will tell how I have fallen short here and there because of my own limitations. Like Mr. Gurlach said, I’ll know in another decade!
